I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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