Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
