did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
