pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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