I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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