Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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