I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
