So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
