I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
