I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
