i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
