I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize