yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
