my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize