I look better un-naked...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
