it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize