Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
