Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
