hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i believe in u and ur pee
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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