I wish I could teleport
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
