Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
