Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
