ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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