Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
