I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
