the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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