She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
