When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
