After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
