U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize