Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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