I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
