Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
