PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize