it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
