I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
