my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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