Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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