you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
