capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
