I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have aggressive nipples.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize