doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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