dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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