why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize