Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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