i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
