While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
