y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
