Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize