I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
