I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
