I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize