Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
