Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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