I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
