I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
