Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
