U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
