Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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