Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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