he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
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