I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
