omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
