I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
