just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
