There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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