a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
