things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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